A Life. Interrupted.

I went round and round about sharing this here (it’s something I’d only shared on my personal FB page and to a limited audience at that) but after talking with my husband, my family, and friends, I’ve decided that it’s part of my testimony, and not just mine, but that of my family and my children’s as well.

“Having children is a blessing. Being able to have children, even more so. I was told, years ago, by my very much trusted, and tried and true OB, that I may never be able to conceive. God brought 3 boys (and my husband) into my life who very much needed a mother, and not just a mother but a Mom who could actually be present. And then we were blessed with the surprising and much anticipated arrival of Grayson, whom we thought would complete our family. Two miscarriages down, one of which we suffered two weeks ago, and one that was four years ago, it does not get easier. It’s not as simple as, you didn’t even know so that makes it easier. It’s still and always a struggle, and each time we have to claw our way back to the surface. That ‘knife’ I feel digging inside me each time, is one that cuts to the soul. I am blessed that I have a husband who ‘gets’ it even when some days he really doesn’t. I will always thank my God for the family he crafted for me, and I will look for those two souls when I pass, but for me, for US, they’re still very much present and a part of our lives. Don’t discredit them, their worth, their value. My babies are my babies … From start to finish. And one day we will get to meet.”

The love and grace I’ve received from family and friends has been nothing short of amazing, also both eye-opening and pretty damn humbling. I’ve also heard other mothers’ stories of love and loss, and through all the tears, hugs, love, and tissues there’s one thing I can’t stop thinking about. Why did I suffer and struggle in such silence the first time we tried to wade through these uncharted waters. Why didn’t I reach out for the life preserver that was my friends and family?? Why didn’t I let them share my burden, my hurt, my heartbreak and help me heal??

What I’m learning this time around, since breaking my silence, is that having a miscarriage, loosing a baby, a life– interrupted, isn’t something that can be helped, and it is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. So why is it such a taboo subject for us to share?

I still can’t answer that question myself, but what I have learned is this:

Ladies, you are not alone. You do not have to go through this alone. You and your s.o. Do not have to go through this alone. You have no idea how many of your friends and loved ones have been where you are now. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Even when words may not suffice, or there’s nothing left to say, let them hug you, let them love you. Let them celebrate life, and loss, with you. It will give that precious life, interupted, the importance it deserves. And you, because whether you meet your child in this life or the next … You are still a mother. You are their Mother. And neither of you will ever forget one another.

So why should anyone else?

How To Piss Off Your Teenage Son Who Knows Everything

How To Piss Off Your Teenage Son Who Knows Everything

-Tell him he has to get a job
-Make him create a resume and take him around for a month gathering applications
-Make him call ahead to be sure a manager is there whom he can speak with and hand his application to
-Make him dress appropriately (i.e. dress shoes, slacks, dress shirt, belt, and tie)
-Take him to deliver applications

Watching him walk out of stop # 2 with an immediate offer of employment: PRICELESS.

Why I’m OK With My Boy Liking Pink Ponies & Dolls

I had a friend come over the other day, and Son # 4 was enjoying the tv time he’d earned after completing his worksheets for the day. His approved Netflix pick? My Little Pony. We were snuggled up enjoying a 20 minute episode when this person clued me into their astonishment that I was actually letting, and completely ok with, my boy watch such a ‘girly’ show. Wasn’t I afraid it would damage him? Or worse, make him effeminate?! Uh, no. Just no.

What hate-filled, judgmental side of the bed did you get up on this morning? Do you have children, boys or girls?!

He is 4. 4! What healthy 4 year old wouldn’t be drawn to the colorful, playful, happy ponies.

my little pny

He will have the rest of his life struggling to find himself a midst being pressured by the worlds idea of gender stereo types. My only concern right now is to let him be himself. He can watch, and like, whatever he wants. He will grow up secure in the fact the whoever the man he grows up to be is, his Mama will always love him.

Brave is one of his favorite Pixar movies to date. Before that it was cars. When he was in his cars faze, Santa brought him Lightning McQueen & Radiator Springs toys. This Christmas he wanted a Merida doll so badly. Every time we were in the toy Isle, he pointed to one he had to have. I could have tried to appease my stereo-typically obsessed, black & white line acquaintances and say it could be just that Merida sounds very similar to his beautiful Aunt Meredith’s name. I could have tried to come up with some other excuse to explain away his infatuation. But, there isn’t one, and I didn’t feel the need to defend him or my choices. Simply put, Son # 4 idolizes the pretty red-headed princess. While he got plenty of gender ‘appropriate’ toys (if there even is such a thing), he also was elated when he tore open a package to reveal, you guess it, not only the coveted Merida barbie doll, but also her horse Angus, and a plastic replica of her bow, that was covered in glitter.

Is he wrong? No, he’s simply a little boy who likes what he likes. If it’s a healthy, age appropriate like, I will support him 100%, from now until I’m no longer on this Earth. There’s a whole world waiting for him, and it’s filled with countless people who will judge him for every little decision he makes, even if it’s something as simple as preferring pink over blue. What he will always know is that he doesn’t have to care what they think. He is free, at least within his own family, to always be who he is without fear of judgment.


Hell, I am PROUD of him. Out of all the Princesses he could have chosen to Idolize, he chose Merida. He chose a strong, brave young woman who herself, fought against her stereotypical role. If that’s the kind of woman he respects now, I will worry a whole lot less when it’s time for him to date and when he’s found a woman he loves enough to marry. Women can be strong, brave, go against the grain, and that in itself is beautiful. I’m raising four boys to be men who respect women. They want an equal partner, a best friend, not a doormat.

Ok. Rant over.